Proof of Concept
by Abicion
Summary: My Creative Writing professor in college said you should always try to write about whatever's on your mind, so I just rolled with it.


Once upon a time, Mint Adenade set out on a grand adventure to rescue the Childlike Empress and save Phantasia. Her first stop was at the Castle of Fu Manchu. It was ruled by Sir Ian McKellen in bad makeup, and Mint had to defeat many clones of Bruce Lee in Mortal Kombat before she could recover the Holy Grail in the castle's vault. And by defeat, I mean she just kept casting First Aid and Barrier on herself until the guards got sick of her and gave up their war of attrition.

With the Grail in hand, Mint would be able to speak to the unicorn and ask for its help. However, David Bowie sent a goblin to kill the unicorn with a poison dart and steal its horn before Mint was able to meet it, so she had to ask Taiitsukun for an alternate way to complete her quest. "Hell if I know," the old witch grumbled, "now let me finish watching porn on my magic mirror. This part with Yui is getting hot." Then Mick Jagger arrived and added "I'm not even sure why I'm here. I guest starred in Freejack, so I'm more of a sci-fi guy."

The next day, Mint stopped at Lake Hylia for a short rest. There she met Chidori Kuruma, a beautiful but very playful Tennyo. "Hey, you sound sort of like Ceres," Chidori teased before she was swiftly captured by an evil scientist and put through a mysterious surgery that you later find out was for the purposes of implanting a microchip in her brain to repress her long-term memories so she'd be able to test drive an armored David Hasselhoff that could transform into Sentinel Prime. Fortunately, Leonard Nimoy was able to free his consciousness from the terrible creation. He was then able to bring the friendly demigoddess back to her senses, albeit at the cost of his own life. His dying words were, "The needs of the many outweigh the... you know what? Screw it. They're just going to butcher this, anyway. I am dead, Horatio." Many Shubs and Zulls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day.

But then Mint encountered Ribbons Almark. "A simple soldier will not suffice here. This is the Nanosuit that will lead humanity!" he shouted triumphantly as he made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Just when all hope seemed lost, our heroine was rescued by the Terrible Things Happen to Mai version of Akane Higurashi, who commanded the 12 Legendary Childs of Kazu-kun. When the two girls greeted each other, Mint was at first like, "Dude, you have my voice!" And then Akane was like, "Dude, you have MY voice!" They got along very well and quickly became friends, but then Akane said "This is your quest alone, so now I must leave you for no discernible reason." And then they parted ways.

Mint now found her way into a pine grove that served as a haven for infant animals of every species and breed. The flock was tended by a bubbly young girl who identified herself as Cure Pine. As she bottle fed a tiny wolf pup she had named Gmork, she stated "By the way, we're all characters in a work of fiction. If you manage to break the fourth wall and meet the person who created all of us, can you tell him to stop writing stories where I keep getting killed? It's starting to creep me out." Mint now understood the weight that rested on her shoulders. She had to continue forward.

Finally, Mint began her long journey to the peaks of Mount Doom so she could reach Madoka's Soul Gem (oh man I wish more people had read the Neverending Story novel so they'd realize how fitting that is). During her long climb, she bravely slayed the Dragon-God Alduin, Falkor the Luckdragon, a Dragonzord, and those two guys from Double Dragon. She probably would have had to kill Kagutsuchi as well, but Akane had taken care of that little problem well before Mint's quest had ever began.

When she reached the top of the mountain and met Randy Savage, Mint was able to have all her wishes granted and restored Phantasia to its original beauty. In the glorious moment the new universe was born, Marty McFly went back to the future and all dogs went to Heaven. All of those who had suffered were now allowed to exist in harmony, free of the tragedy that had consumed them. It was a horrible deus ex machina that would cause Abicion to rage for ages to come.

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
